The Celtic Triskele. Representing both completion and progress. The past and the future. What is done yet and what is to be.
Years ago, I had it tattooed the ring finger of my right hand to serve as a constant reminder of what I had come through and where I was going. For a while, work required that I keep it covered. Having plateaued at a good place, I probably did not feel that I needed the reminder.
The last two years have changed that, shaken me back and forth from a place desperate for change to one ready to settle in conformity. Anger and tears of both rage and hurt have been a constant. I have been consumed by moments where I have wanted to abandon logic and common sense, and walk away from the toxic environment I have been in. Then, something will happen to remind me that God not only holds all of my tears, but has a plan and purpose for each of them.
I feel that I am, once again, evolving. Going through some of the birthing pains that come in order for the breakthrough to happen-that must happen as God will not let me remain in a place of conformity.
It is Wednesday, October 9, 2019 at approximately 12:36p. I am sitting alone at 5 Points Local, and a huge, beautiful table, enjoying a delicious and healthy meal, an almost-too-beautiful-to-drink latte…I am simply doing ME. At this moment, without guilt., which is rare because I don’t usually allow myself these moments. It is one of those seldom-occurring days in which I am almost comfortable in my own skin-almost fully accepting of me and where I am. I am, in these minutes, not fighting or questioning the process, simply BEING.
Change is inevitable, and for all of my attempts to plan and anticipate, it is coming without warning. I am accepting that what I had envisioned is not what God has planned and his plans will always trump my own-no questions asked. I have spent weeks and months struggling to understand why carefully and self-less goals have crashed, and in the last few days, He has let me know that, no matter how noble, that is not the story He has so lovingly constructed for me.
I have begun to change again-subconsciously preparing. Yesterday on my drive home I heard “Help Me Find it”-the song I hear just before the dawn of a new chapter. This time, hearing it saddened me and I cried quietly in my car as I played it over again…
The change is coming and it is inevitable. Despite the hurt and anger of the last few years, there are parts of where I am right now that have brought me true and genuine joy…I have met people that have touched my life and made me smile. I have worked with families, seen progress and regression. I have seen babies grow and leave..I have, I modestly hope, left positive change and perhaps, in some miniscule way, made and impact and influenced a difference…
And wherever this next part of my journey leads, I know He will ensure that I am ready. My story has, after all, been long ago written by the greatest of writers.